“Expectation is the root of all heartache ” said William Shakespeare or rather he meant Expectation roots from heartache !
Lets dive a little deeper into the human relationships that weave a web of emotions around its entire existence .
What happens when two people come together, as friends, as family, as lovers…they bond ! Some are chosen while the other’s are bestowed upon us,either ways a bond is formed.With the passing of time very few sustain.Some are broken ,some dragged, barely breathing . The essence of every human relationship is to provide emotional security to one another,a sense of belonging ,a team you travel with in this journey called life.Then why do some connections end up being a codependent bond where one loses his/ her bearings completely. The loss of individuality stems from the need to feel wanted,loved & nurtured. This need slowly catapults into addiction… addiction for acknowledgement, approval and acceptance ending into the most unhealthy condition of a human existence. It creates a sense of emptiness, want and a never ending need for the other to fulfill us ,complete us…. This need ,urge ,desire ,the unfulfilled hopes is what we call EXPECTATIONS !
Expectations come in where either of the two people involved are not giving in their 100% to the relationship.
Now let’scheck out a 2nd scenario.
Here again two people meet and feel an instant pull towards each other.The difference is just this much…the pull remains a constant. The bond formed here is in its most organic form, its a soul connect! One naturally knows what the other wants…without having to beg or force it from the other.Its a gradual and unconcious process of one refuelling the other and vice versa ,an osmosis of pure love floating from one human form into the other. It is a continous process of an untiring commitment where the two halves of the same key graviate towards each other to open the lock , beneath which the universe hides their share.
The exchange of energy is uninterrupted and the human form remains undented & hence forming a perfect circle ! The heart is gushing with love,pumping life and joy into the relationship. The people involved nurture each other with mutual respect,admiration and work hand in glove towards a common goal.This unwavering support for each other becomes the backbone of their allaince built on a strong foundation of trust, honesty and respect !
So EXPECTATIONS arise from the feeling of ‘LACK ‘,the lack of the aforementioned value system which creates codependency,emptiness ,loss of dignity which are synonyms to a broken heart with dashed desires.
Where their is a dissatisfied heart there is Expectation.
When the heart is honoured there is Gratitude &
When there is a Dissatisfied heart…there are Expectations!
Born into a Fauji family , my earliest memories date back to the late 70s when Dad was posted in North Sikkim. He was a Deputy Commandant then with the Assam Rifles”The Oldest & the most decorated ParaMilitary Force of India” estbd in 1835.
As a company commander he was stationed at an outpost ,at Lachung (a beautiful tourist destination today ) alongwith a Doctor & a few hundered troops gaurding the borders at about 9600 feet. Lachung has been described as the “most picturesque village of Sikkim” by British explorer Joseph Dalton Hooker in his Himalayan Journel (1855).Its was a trading post between Tibet & Sikkim before the Chinese occupation of Tibet in 1950.
Life for a 4 year old was a complete bliss. Waking up to a thick carpet of snow (upto 4ft) blocking the doors, getting started every morning would be a fun exercise. The snow had to be removed and then the doors would open to a bright new day !
Our abode was the PORTA CABIN , insulated homes to brave the sub zero temperatures.The furnishings of a Fauji household those days was the perfect example of innovation at its peak. Our moms used to make setties out of the black painted, steel fauji boxes with Dads name n rank written on it with a to and fro destination which kept changing with each posting. Written with white paint and numbered to know which box contained what ! These boxes were a part of every Fauji household as we moved lock ,stock and barrel every 3yrs to a new location ,on transfer. These boxes had a very important role to play , hence were adorned with soft cotton mattresses and then draped with beautiful hand embriodered sheets and cushions strewn around adding to its beauty & comfort .The two safety pins on each side of the box held the fort like two tiny gaurds ,at ease only when the sheets were to be washed resuming duty on the new cover as alert as ever. Not a single crease would be tolerated by this Fauji housewife!
Then came our daily ritual. The mornings started with hot milk in a huge steel glass (life for a Punjabi is meaningless without milk but I hated it ) the glass looked like a missile to me those days. Gulping that down ,we were covered in layers of clothing , hand knitted woolen gloves & caps with a pigtail popping out and my favourite red gumboots .Balancing the tiara on the horns,with the trail of the poncho the tiny miny devil in me was now ready to take on the world !
The older siblings being packed off to the Hostels those days ,the younger ones would have a field day at home.No work only play !!!
Climbing trees, giving mini heart attacks to mom ,playing with our Naga hound Tommy , jumping ecstatically covered in snow , visiting Daddy in office ,who needed these gadgets anyway (pun intended) I was the only kid for most time of the year but never lonely. Nature nurtures you !
Evenings would be visits to the Apple orchards with mom and dad. The memory is so well placed in my heart ,of trees laden with fruit and a beautiful stream of the Teesta river passing by. As I playfully jumped around ,trying to lift my tiny frame to pluck an apple ,the stream would flow along gurgling with happiness intune with the innocence of the 4yr old ,as if silently encouraging to leap higher the next time! We would come back home with crates of apples each time once they ripened. Till then the light greens , a few sour bites and a few jumps were enough to cheer me up .
I was my Daddy’s tail and followed him everywhere remember the Pug …oh ! That came decades later . I remember the visits to the local village headman (The Gaun Bura as he would be called) who would lovingly garland me with strings of CHURPI ( traditional cheese made out of Yaks milk in the Himalayan region ).What more could a little girl ask for ! The queen walked carefully with the heavy strings of responsibility to finish them by the time they are due for the next visit .
Then came the much awaited time of the year ,the hostelers coming back home for vacations . I would wait for my elder sister ~My Window to the world, My 1st Google !!!
She was poised, calm ,sophisticated with the finesse of a convent education quite emminent in her mannerisms & here I was all covered in mud ,with cuts and bruises all over and just learning my A B C… I looked upto her, She was my Ideal. I had so many questions and she had all the answers . As I said she was my 1st Google !!!
She was my Santa coming home each year but no clause attached ! My box of goodies would include popsicles, chocolates and the phantom cigarette candy (kids my generation would know ),NP chewing gums, Gems ,the milk toffees that would stick to your teeth forever and what not.
Vacations were the best time of the year as I had my Santa pampering me spoilt. So the drill now was to dress us both in the same outfits, a trend parents loved to follow those days . With hot milk keeping our bellies full we would hop skip our way to the lawn which was a step lower than the house. There a swing waited ,with open arms welcoming us for this season of acrobatics ,as excited to reach for the clouds as the two sisters. As I was the little one I was made to sit and my sister would stand , with a strong jerk to her knees she would push it with all her might & with each swing we climbed higher and higher cutting through the chill in the air kissing our cheecks turning them apple red …
(I can still hear the chirpy laughter in the air as I write this )
The next would be a short tea break , fresh orange juice for us though , (oranges were in plenty there)squeezed into our pretty pink Tea set ,adding a little salt and red chilli powder and sip it as gracefully as if having the most exclusive silver tips! To this day I dont know why we added the chillie powder but my google said so and so be it !
There stood a dainty boulder in the middle of the lawn , evesdropping and smiling at the two sisters giggling away to glory , waiting to give us a ride.It felt like Alladins carpet to me for I could see the world once atop the dainty boulder.
There I got my first brush with music. My sister had a diary with the latest numbers penned down in colourful ink. It is here on my Alladins carpet,I got introduced to Boney M… with “Brown girl in the ring tra la la la “….becoming like an anthem for me ,yes, that is the 1st song I ever learnt! Then followed the whole play list “There lived a certain man in Russia long ago,…. Rasputin ” so on n so forth!!!
I was always fascinated by the tinsle town of Bombay ,Mumbai ,now even as a 4 yr old. So now came the ultimate moment of my life. We would stand up on the solid rock and my sister would point at a certain direction and say,”There,thats where Bombay is, can you see it “? I would crane my neck, strech it to the last nerve ending and shake my head , a little dejected .I thought it was my tiny frame standing at a few feet that I couldnt see so far. She would try again & after a few untiring attempts I would exclaim,”Yes ,Yes I can see it now “!!!That was the elder sister who wanted to give me the moon, she would do anything to bring a smile on my face. She did all she could as a 10yr old to make my sweet little dream of seeing Bombay from my Alladins carpet come true .
As the setting sun would whisper,”mom’s waiting” we would sprint as fast as our legs would take us and reach home huffing and puffing. After a wash and slipping into our flannel nightsuits we would gather around the Bukhari .The evenings were spent with mom and dad,playing antakshari or Or some indoor games. Learning while having fun was how the families spent time together.
Today life has become so easy, The whole world is just one click away . Our times things were different.We wanted something , we asked for it and waited,patiently! Shopping didn’t happen just like that ,anytime anywhere.That happened when Dad would travel to Gangtok on a temporary duty some 125kms away .So all you would do was wait for him to come back home ,it could take a few days or weeks .
I am reminded of one such incident.So I got a brand new badminton racquet. I went to the kitchen to show it to the staff working ,we would lovingly call them Daju ( big bro) .There was a bucket of water lying there so I dipped my racquet to wash it clean.Now I had to dry it ,so I placed it on top of the small bukhari in the kitchen and in a jiffy all the gutterings were gone….All I had now much to my utter shocked tiny existence was an empty circle with a handle. I sheepishly walked back to mom with tears swelling up told her the great feat I had just achieved. Today when I look back I can understand how frustrated she must have felt,but she did not get upset, instead smiled as though she was quite expecting this calmly said ,”don’t worry, now you will have to wait for daddy’s next trip ! I feel bad today ,because they had bought me the latest one, the wooden ones were too heavy for children so this new plastic one was the latest in town ,it was a parrot green racquet I loved and lost in a moment. The next line to follow as always was,learn something from ur elder sister ,an example I loved to , but stumbled quite often ?
In the evenings ,the centralised generator would run for a few hrs and then the alternate lighting would be up , that of the Petromax ( pressurised paraffin lamp with a bright white light ) and kerosene lanterns.The evening drill was something I loved to watch every single day. I would be in the kitchen watching daju religiously wipe the glass lamp shades humming softly. In between he would raise it up as if asking me to inspect the sparkle . Once I nodded in affirmation he would happily fix them back still humming his fav number.
Lo and behold ! There were two stars each night sparkling next to us. The silver of the moon splashed on the white carpet outside and in the bed the night sung lullabys to this 4yr old snuggled into her love and dreams of Bombay ,the bukhari kept the chilli winters at bay and the lantern n petromax duo brightened the path of her dreams.
When the whole world has been taken by surprise ,paralysing people with fear there in one corner of the planet sits a Lady smiling to herself as she sips into her evening cuppa tea..
Life in a developed world is moving at a supersonic pace ,goals & aspirations being the only stimuli ,humans have mutated into machines ,reaching the top with dead souls ,screeching and tearing the silence are the wails of the living dead, one slip up ….& suddenly it all stops !
Who is she I wonder ,oblivious to the wails n woes of the world around ?
As I move closer ,I am pushed back a 100 yrs into the times where humans lived with emotions pumping blood into their veins and hearts singing in glee!
I am pushed into nature ,untouched and pure.
I stand gazing into the vastness, watching life cohabiting with no threat from either sides. ..& there I see her !
Living in the most magnificent heritage bungalows ,reminiscent of the British love for grandiosity is the Chai Memsahab.
Tea having become an integral part of her being ,she has aced the art of living in harmony with nature.
Plantations being away from the mainland often call for “being prepared” for the rainy days. This art has been passed down for generations now that makes the Chai Memsahab’s Inventory , fully loaded and self sufficient!
Toiling at the fields,braving the harshest of weather, socked the man comes home smiling as the chimney whistles announcing his arrival. The pantry is all decked up for the evening with goodies lined up in order. There’s euphoria in the kitchen with the tongs and spoons and the staff crafting a yet another masterpiece for the evening.
“There’s a hearth in the home
There’s fire in my belly “…sings the Planter gleefully as he pours himself a drink .
Food and loads of food is what makes a planter happy.Homegrown, fresh ,organic food is what the Memsahab provides each day ,day after day.
Winters, the happiest and the busiest time for a Chai Memsahab and her fleet of helpers who grow,store and preserve for the coming months.The vegetables ,the sauces and the purees ,the juices,the squash and the fruits ,you name it …its there !
There is another aspect to a Chai Memsahab’s larger than life persona. Somewhere hidden beneath the perfectionist is a young girl learning to walk on the tight ropes of dustoor (norms) and duties and proving her mettle when the time comes.
Her home becoming her entire existence, merging into the four walls,she forgets her own identity.
As years pass by ,she masters the art to redifine her existence .Isolated ,miles away from the cities & the hustle and bustle she cushions her dreams in the solitude of her gigantic home.She nurtures her thoughts and reignites the passion of her soul.The enigma around her creates the Chai Memsahab as a self reliant , steel willed woman who has braved a world that no longer existed for the world that did !
Quarantined she has been for years now,I understand.
As I get up to leave, I hear the love birds chirping , the geese in the impeccable whites escort me to the gate . The monkeys like a skillful trapeze artist wave holding on to a branch bidding me farewell.
As I drive through the canopy covering the driveway I am humbled by the richness of life that still exists in this part of the world.
The trumpet blows creating a symphony with the soft crumbling of the dried leaves ,the jumbos walk past swiftly,reinforcing in me the belief that life exists in harmony and we humans are just a tiny part of the vastness.
As the world struggles to maintain its sanity in isolation
Today I feel compelled to write about ABUSE ,a term many have heard/know of but seldom understand.I see a lot of people intrigued by your life,they want to know, the tingling in their tastebuds to build up another gossip session is too intense. We live in a society where we judge others by our own parameters.
This is an appeal to all such people,if someone you know is struggling and you wish to help ,which one must , 1st and foremost learn that there are certain Do’s n dont’s to follow.
1.Never judge their story wearing your rose tinted glasses.They might be doing their best to cope with the difficult situation.
2.Never tell the victim (a woman here ) that it’s NORMAL for men to do that & that the victim hurt their male ego. And if you are a woman yourself ,you are equally responsible for building a wrong narrative for others to follow.Two wrongs do not make a right.She might be dealing with a huge emotional setback in life ,trying to come to terms with it and your insensitivity will increase her pain of being disregarded by her own female friends which she must have thought would empathise with her situation. Incase, the victim is a man,for God’s sake,Never make fun of him ,imposing the so called defination of him being a super human.A man can be equally sensitive ,kindhearted ,emotional and be Abused.For them its even more difficult to open up.So if they do, give them a patient hearing .By being insensitive towards him ,cracking jokes of him being dominated by a woman , you are being an ally to the abuser ,knowingly or unknowingly.
Hear them out it is You who wanted to help .
3.Never say,”If its so bad why dont you just leave”?First learn what ABUSE”is.If it was so easy any sane person would never continue living such a tormented existence. All you can do is listen .Once the victim feels understood , the confidence starts rebuilding ,slowly try and help them to get a hold of their life.
4.Always remember ABUSE messes up the most intelligent people with the strongest minds.By the time one realises ,they are too deep into it. There is a survival mechanism in the brain and the nervous system that betray our intellectual mind when coping with an abusive relationship.The brain freezes ,Yes ~thats the defence mechanism at work to save the person relive the pain from the repeated abuse.
5.Victims are not stupid people.They are dealing with one of the most terrifying experiences from the closest of human bonds that are suppossed to actually protect them and be their support system.
6.Oh!if it’s so bad ,how can you be so happy,dressed so well all the time? You are saying,a Victim has to cry out aloud,in tattars to prove he/she is abused? The victim has a right to steal a few moments from life and smile,don’t you think so?
7.After one has shared their story with you,which is always keep in mind,an extremly difficult step and needs a lot of courage to speak up,your close proximity to the abuser proves you are nullifying the victims pain right then and there and justyfying the ABUSE !
8.Next time you want to be a Messiah in someone’s life ,make sure you know what you are dealing with.You may be the reason the agony of a sufferring,tired ,battered soul increases manifolds.
LOVE:The most beautiful yet the most misunderstood emotion!
When two people fall in love ,what is it that makes them choose each other? The physical attributes, the nature …a personality that resonates with theirs or is it something else I wonder! Something is so attractive…it’simpossible to stay apart for a fleeting moment even…then suddenly it all changes,why?
The butterflies in your stomach move on to become a “choking blinder “!!!
Let’s see why :
a)When you are a couple,does it mean that all your other relationships are to be put to rest.Learn to respect The person and his/her circle as they are and not as you percieve them to be.Each relationship is important and holds a special place in one’s life.
b)Being possessive is fine but behaving “possessed” is insane.Being possessive does not mean you possess the other as a TROPHY of your yet another accomplishment. You don’t decide how many breathes /min your trophy takes. Be madly in love,yet allow the person the space and dignity to be totally at ease and to breathe. Love is where you are at your most natural self,no pretentions,no fear ,just a smooth flow of life.
c)Being together is a beautiful feeling when you are just there for each other, when you understand the silence,when you don’t judge ,doubt or accuse….rather when you are ‘The’ home for the soul…where you empathize, believe and encourage.
d)Trust is the backbone of any relationship. It’s a test for the couple at times when insecurities seep in,when your own fears play up,and you still hold on to each other,with determination and belief!
e)Maturity seals the bond.Being mature in a relationship is when there is mutual respect,understanding and oneness.Mature couples are the one’s that accept each other as a whole,the past ,the present and working towards building a future they dream of !
Change is the only Constant ,but when it is constantly on the deterioration it needs to be addressed.
Sabhyachaar,Shishtachaar,Adar ,Satkar (etiquette ,civility,respect,to honour )are synonyms to Our Indian way of life.These virtues are sadly fading away today.
We Indians crib a lot,but never do we introspect ‘Why’?
With the onslaught of the social media,with the world just a click away,with the comfort of being hidden behind our gadgets…we vomit! Today ,there are no boundaries what so ever . You are free to write whatever you please,on a public forum and that too without any consequences.
Each and every post on a public forum is filled with filth.Language used is totally incomprehensible. The lines of decency have been brutally squashed.
Debates in our times used to be solely on the topic given.Today I see abuses hurled on someone’s Mother…sisters….the filthiest of filth splashed all over ,it could be a simple bollywood post!
I do not just blame the youngsters today ,they learn from what they see.The adults lead and the young follow. Why do you have to swear ,used bad language to put your point across ? Is your argument so weak ?
The public posts are like treading into a neighbourhood of hooligans,where there has been no education to tell them a right from a wrong.
What you are with your friends,your age mates ,you CANNOT be with the entire world. The decorum needs to be maintained.
The chivaliry &the feminity ,the love and the respect are all the virtues of a bygone era ,or so it seems.
Girls swearing openly ,does that make you believe you are strong ?Does that make you believe you are at par with men? Then THIS itself is the issue.What made you believe you are lesser than them in the first place ??!!
Men hurling abuses at women ,how does that make you the stronger one?It just shows the level of stupidity there.
Anyone abusing on a public platform,is such a dampner.There is a bigger threat here which we choose to either ignore or are ignorant about.
Where does this anger come from ?
Why are we ready to pounce at the word go?
Why are we so judgemental ?
Why are we so unforgiving ?
It all stems from the family values crumbling under pressures of todays world.
It stems from a NEED ! the need to be heard ,the need to be loved,the need to be acknowledged, the need to be aprreciated ,the need to be noticed & the need to be validated !
Earlier,the families that lived together,’Lived’ together.There were some check lists .The children’s activities were monitered.Everything came to you at the right time.With age comes the understanding and ability to handle things.
How many parents today keep an eye on their kids activities, their friend circle,their lifestyle and most important what n who they become on social media?The impact of this so called privacy and freedom are serious.
The innocence is gone !
The Sabhyachaar is gone !
This anger ,these outburts,this uninhabited behaviour becomes the soul of a society .And it’s getting darker by the day.
Today as I sit down to write, my heart silently whispers a prayer for All such Men ,who suffer in silence .
M MACHO ?️♂️ E EMPATHETIC?♂️ N NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED !?♂️
MEN ARE ABUSED TOO !
ABUSE is a very toxic trait slithering its way into people’s lives and changing it forever,leaving deep scars …as it slithers away …(if you are lucky)!
So how does it make it any different for men ? The SOCIETY,Yes ,with its rigid definitions and expectations.As per a study 2 out of every 5 Victims of Domestic Violence are Men.
The prejudice against Men :
He is not supposed to cry out for help even if a thorn pierces his soul,life oozing out as he lies there helplessly bleeding …
*Don be sissy,why are you crying (like a woman ),c’mon be a man can’t you control one woman so on so forth …are some of the” supposed to Bs” hurled at him carelessly.
Inside that macho body lives a sensitive soul too.A soul that thrives on good emotions like love,acceptence,appreciation and above all Respect.There is a lil boy there who loves to be cuddled ,his hair ruffled ,his cheeks kissed and his soul treasured!Yes he craves all your attention ,would shy away from accepting it but he does !
…&Then
This little boy gets a partner with stars in his eyes and dreams untold,for a life filled with beauty and togetherness. Suddenly the ride becomes a little bumpy,oh it happens!Life is after all, all about ups and downs,he reasons.
Days go by,years go by…something feels amiss…
He looks back ,sees the lil boy sitting in a corner,tears have left a dark muddy trail on his pale cheeks …his wrinkled coat hanging aimlessly on his drooping shoulders…and The Smile wiped out !!!
He is confused ,as thats what he has been all these years…he is unable to recognize himself!Something hurts deep inside … Slowly each piece of the jigsaw puzzle… (yea thats what his life felt )started falling into place.
He had lost himself to an abusive relationship. (Abuse can be Emotional /Physical/Sexual/Financial/Verbal)
*The most difficult part & the First step to your liberation is Identifying that the relationship is abusive. Here are a few tips :
1)VERBAL ABUSE: *Discussions each time escalate to levels of shouting ,yelling,name calling ,belittling .Verbal Abuse is worse,the scars left are deep,though never seen.If you feel confused and end up convincing yourself that it was all your fault that things blew out of proportions and apologise each time,you are in an abusive relationship.
2)EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
a)Manipulation : *When you are lied to,manipulated ,repeatedly to always have their way. *Smooth talker,plays with your emotions,will say things that you want to hear and slowly turn everything around to suit them. Denies having said things when you confront them about their prior commitments.
b)Gaslighting :
*Your feelings ,needs are never a matter of concern.You feel you are always walking on egg shells around them.Anything you say or do can trigger the outburts . Its a rollar coaster of emotions,one day they are very loving and caring , expressive and the next thy turn all cold and unapproachable.And when you are told its all your fault.
*Always apologising.
*Wonder if you are being over sensitive for feeling the way you do.You know something is not right but can’t put your finger on it.
*Making excuses for your partner.Avoiding queries from friends and family not to give away the reality of your partner.Putting up a brave front ,pretending all is well.
*You no longer feel the person you used to be .Less confident and more anxious.
*Hard to make decisions.
*Hopeless. Nothing excites you anymore.Your hobbies have taken a back seat.The activities you enjoyed earlier do not make you happy anymore.
c)Criticism:
*Brainwashing you to feel worthless.Your beliefs ,ambitions are rediculed. *Calling you names,belittling, humiliating ,lacks respect. *Makes you doubt your sanity.
d)Isolation:
*Is either over protective or displays extreme jealousy patterns. *Too demading ,irrational need to keep you to themselves denying you the right to meet friends and family. *Will get emotionally distant to control you. *Will never approve of any relationship you have (work /personal)
e)Controlling:
*Will decide everything ,from what you eat to how you dress up,do your hair .Will make you feel bad if you don’t to the extent that you start doubting yourself.
f)Sabotage:
*Will make you miss important occassions ,work,any activity that you like.Having a meltdown,sudden health issues,Hiding your car keys or making other abrupt plans just to disrupt yours.
g)Blame:
*Constant blame game so that you feel guilty all the time.Accuses you of having a bad memory.
h)Anger:
*Over reacting and sudden outbursts .Picks up a fight at little or just no provocation. *You live in constant fear to blowing things out of proportion. *So you give in,apologise and end up feeling hurt ,humiliated and confused.Contradictory thoughts all fog up the mind for you know it wasnt your fault.
3)ECONOMIC ABUSE:
*Controls the finances to the extent of blocking you from accessing it. *Controls what and how you spend your own money. *Trivilizes your choices and wishes to procure some thing. Will convince you that its a waste of money ,or a bad choice.
4)PHYSICAL ABUSE:
*Destroyspersonal property. *Throws things around. *Pushes you around,chokes or bites,punches,hurts. *Threatens to harm children ,pets. *Threatens to divorce /seperate just to destabalise you. *Self harm. *Sexual proximity either denied or forced.
If You My Friend are dealing with this , Just know IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT ! If these signs are there ,seek help,talk to anyone you trust…ABUSE IS NEVER OK !
If anyone you know is struggling ,please be more empathetic. Lend a patient ear. Do not make fun or doubt his masculinity. Do not judge. Help him identify ,friends are the first ones to know ,help him speak up,seek professional help …just dont leave him alone. Be there …pull him out slowly.